What have I learned from moving house? There are five stages of flatpack-furniture grief

一世t seems I have a screw loose – which is extremely annoying, because I spent the bulk of my weekend screwing. I recently moved into a bigger place, you see, and have had to buy furniture. I’m far too cheap to pay someone competent to put the stuff together (all furniture – at least the stuff I can afford – appears to come in 1,000 little pieces), so I have been attempting to do it myself.

My wife helped with the weekend assembly efforts, I should add; this wasn’t a solo endeavour. But we are very bad lesbians. 根据 a YouGov survey, 77% of queer women in the US said they could build flatpack furniture, 和....相比 58% of heterosexual men and 48% of straight women. I am part of the terrible 23%, 尽管. As I have written before, my dire DIY skills mean I’m an embarrassment to lesbians everywhere.

尽管如此, I persisted. I grabbed an Allen key and valiantly went to work on a table, chairs and about 2,000 screws. The finished products are worryingly wonky, but the process was a learning experience. I have discovered there are five stages of furniture-assembly grief.

一, denial: this seems tricky, but I’m sure I can do it. I probably don’t even need to follow these incomprehensible illustrations. I will just follow my gut. 二, 愤怒: what the hell is wrong with my gut? What the hell is wrong with this furniture? 三, bargaining: 行, calm down. You can do this. Stop thinking about it as work and start thinking about it as a fun game of Lego. 四, 沮丧: I hate everything, especially Lego. Five, acceptance: 出色地, the legs are wobbly and I’m not sure why I have three leftover bolts, but it’s fine. I can sit on it. Sort of.

You know what else I learned? 这 Ikea effect – the idea that you place greater value on things you have made yourself – is nonsense. 或者, 也许, more accurately, NÖANSÖNSE. There is probably a better joke than that in there somewhere, but you will have to make it yourself.