“The country is slowly emerging from a crisis that gripped not just America but the entire globe,” said Stephen Colbert on Tuesday evening, “and we’re still surveying the damage of this unprecedented plague that lost to Joe Biden on November 3.”
Colbert dug into newly released, damning details from the congressional investigation of the 6 January attack on the Capitol by a pro-Trump mob in an “unfortunately ongoing” segment called “Exactly What You Thought, But Worse Than You Imagined”.
The Senate dropped its 127-page report on Tuesday detailing security failures during the attack, the product of more than three months of interviews, hearings and the review of thousands of pages of documents. “Of course, everyone saw it on TV as it happened on January 6, making this the rare book where they made the movie first,” joked Colbert.
“Because leadership did not take the threat seriously, the Capitol police were not prepared,” he explained, pointing to one officer’s testimony that he overheard a lieutenant repeatedly ask over the radio “does anybody have a plan?” as rioters sieged the Capitol.
“Oh, somebody had a plan,” Colbert responded, “and he sat in the Oval Office pounding a bucket of chicken while his followers carried it out.”
The report, tuttavia, “bizarrely” neglected to address any role played by the former president in fomenting the riot. “He’s the whole reason the attack happened in the first place!” exclaimed Colbert. “That’s like talking about Christmas Eve and never mentioning Santa. Who did you leave the cookies and milk out for? Rudolph the Red-Eyed Rat?"
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah explained a sharp turn in fortune for the cryptocurrency bitcoin, which has cratered in value in recent weeks amid crackdowns from China and the Internal Revenue Service. The cryptocurrency has also found an unlikely critic in Donald Trump, Oms called bitcoin a “scam” in a recent appearance on the Fox Business Network.
“I would’ve thought Trump would be a huge fan of bitcoin,” said Noah. “I mean, it’s a way to both hide dirty money and destroy the environment at the same time. What’s not to like?
“But keep in mind, just because Trump calls it a scam doesn’t mean that he’s against it,” Noah added. “It just means that he’s probably working on his own version. Like I say there’s a 99% chance that by the end of the year, he’s going to introduce the Trump coin. ‘It might look like a Chuck-E-Cheese token, and you can only use it at Chuck-E-Cheese, but that’s called the blockchain.’”
Bitcoin’s value also plummeted thanks to news on Monday that the justice department seized 63.7 bitcoins, the equivalent of $2.7m, half the ransom paid by Colonial pipeline to Russian hackers following a ransomware attack that crippled gas lines in the south-eastern US. “This a huge blow for bitcoin’s reputation,” Noah explained, as the currency’s signature is its supposed untraceability. “I mean, bitcoin without untracebility is like Superman without any powers. Now you’re just some creep with this underwear on the outside.
“Bitcoin is facing a lot of headwinds right now," Ha aggiunto, “from increased regulation to the FBI tracking it around the internet like it’s a black guy in a department store.”
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel cracked jokes about a series of extreme natural events, from heatwaves in many parts of the US to the emergence of cicadas. “It’s never a good sign when the weather forecast ends with ‘just as the Bible foretold’, but it has been happening,” Kimmel said.
Cicadas have swarmed parts of the eastern US after 17 years underground, looking to mate “like a bunch of horny teenagers on prom night”, Kimmel joked. “They’re an interesting creature: the reason they all come out at the same time is because it makes it impossible for predators to eat all of them at once. It’s like bottomless breadsticks at Olive Garden, but for bugs.
“Between Covid, the heat and these cicadas, it’s like someone figured out an algorithm to make sure we never go outside the house," Ha aggiunto. “I suspect Netflix is behind this.”