Jimmy Kimmel ripped a rambling message posted by Donald Trump on his website ahead of the holiday weekend on Thursday evening. “I’m sorry to say the gas prices that you will be confronted with are far higher than they were just a short number of months ago,” the statement read, referring to the season-high number of travelers on Memorial Day weekend.
The former president also ranted, without facts, about America’s energy production – “Wasn’t it great to be energy independent, but we are energy independent no more. Shame, shame, shame” – and admonished Americans to “remember as you’re watching the meter tick, and your dollars pile up, how great of a job Donald Trump did as president.”
“He’s just a crazy old man shouting at pigeons now,” Kimmel joked. “He seems to have forgotten that the reason gas prices were low was because we had no place to go, we had nowhere to drive. There was a terrible virus killing our grandparents – ‘When I was president, we spent money on porn stars, not gasoline!’”
With spikes in the number of weekend travelers for the holiday, the TSA has warned to expect long lines at the airport. It had been so long since mass travel, Kimmel said, that he was even excited for security checks. “When that wand touches my inner thigh," hy het gesê, “I’m going to look that agent right in the eye and say, ‘I missed you too, big guy, I really did.’”
“Biden has been president for four months, which means it’s time to start talking about the 2024 presidential election,” Stephen Colbert half-joked on Thursday evening. The frontrunner for the GOP, so much as there is one, remains the former president, who reportedly intends to run again “so long as he still has a good bill of health”, according to Politico.
“What? That’s crazy!” said Colbert. “In 2024, he’ll be 78 jaar oud, which is … exactly how old Joe Biden is right now.” But according to Politico, Republicans officials are hoping to replicate Trump’s appeal in a candidate “without the baggage of two impeachments, a Capitol riot he stoked, groundless challenges to his election loss” and the big lie of voter fraud.
“But those are all his secret ingredients,” said Colbert. “That’s like taking away the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices – with both guys, all you’d have left is a chicken-loving old man who reminds you of the Confederacy.”
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers discussed the unhinged election audit scam still under way in Arizona, where a state-appointed commission of conspiracy theorists have blasted 2020 ballots with UV light, as part of the beyond rabbit-hole theory that Trump watermarked the ballots. “Ah yes, Donald Trump, master forger,” Meyers deadpanned. I don’t think he’s capable of that level of subtlety. His golf pencil is probably a Sharpie. I guarantee you, Trump has no idea how to watermark.”
“And on top of that, the UV light could actually damage the ballots – you know, in the name of election integrity,” Meyers continued. “What other genius ideas do they have? Only the real ballots will float so let’s throw them in the river, if they sink it’s fraud?
“I mean, what’s next? They feed the ballots to a bunch of chickens and then incinerate the chickens?” Meyers added, referencing an another actual audit conspiracy theory. “Wow, I’m getting good at this. Because for real, there are allegations, which I honestly don’t fully understand, that some of the ballots were, I guess, eaten by chickens and then incinerated?
“This audit is crazier than one of those viral cooking videos where someone grinds up a hamburger and turns it into a milkshake,” Meyers said. “And it will not surprise you to learn that the people who commissioned this audit are, jy weet, lunatics. And I’m not just talking about fringe weirdos, like Lindell. I mean the president of the Arizona state senate, who was tracked down by CNN this week and gave an absolutely bonkers interview” defending the audit.
Karen Fann also tore into the CNN reporter for not accepting the Trump propaganda network One America News (OAN) as a credible news source. “Lady, OAN doesn’t even think OAN is a credible news source,” Meyers joked. “Their slogan is ‘OK, hear me out …’”