Jimmy Kimmel returned to late-night TV after a week off with Covid – the host tested positive last Monday and “by Friday the virus took a look around my body and said yuck, we’re getting out of here,” he quipped on Monday evening.
“I drank so much bleach my teeth are whiter than a fundraiser at Mar-a-Lago,” he joked.
After thanking Mike Birbiglia for helming the show last-minute in his absence, Kimmel turned to yet another former Trump official on a tell-all book tour. Mark Esper, Trump’s former defense secretary, appeared on 60 Minutes this weekend to share what Kimmel called an “almost impossible-to-believe anecdote about Trump’s plan to handle Americans protesting outside the White House after the killing of George Floyd”.
Esper said Trump wondered aloud “can’t you just shoot them? Just shoot them in the legs or something?” and that the president suggested bringing in troops to shoot the protesters. “Well, in fairness, he said the same thing about Eric,” Kimmel deadpanned.
In response to Esper’s interview, Trump told 60 Minutes: “This is a complete lie, and 10 witnesses can back it up … Mark Esper was weak and totally ineffective, and because of it, I had to run the military.”
“Right, Captain Bone Spurs had to run the military for Mark Esper,” Kimmel laughed. “And we know that’s a lie because unlike everything else he ran, the military didn’t go bankrupt on his watch.
“It’s really almost unfathomable that this imbecile was running our country,” he added.
On Late Night, Seth Meyers mocked Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s former personal lawyer, for backing out of an interview with the House January 6 committee at the last minute because he wanted to record it himself. “Why does he want to record the interview?” Meyers wondered. “Is he worried they’re going cut it together to make it sound bad? That’s what his brain already does to his mouth.
“Why do guys like Rudy always have some weird angle? Like thinking they’re some genius chess master calling their bluff by asking to record the meeting,” he continued. “But anytime Rudy has ever been recorded, it’s been bad for him.” Giuliani, for instance, has been recorded calling a senator on the day of the insurrection to overturn the election results, and butt-dialing a reporter while discussing his need for cash.
“Rudy records himself saying incriminating things all the time,” Meyers said. “Before he talks to anyone, he should pat himself down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.”
To explain his decision, Giuliani went on Steve Bannon’s podcast and “did not do himself any favors”, according to Meyers. To quote the former mayor of New York and election conspiracy theorist: “You got a bunch of people on that committee that tried to frame the sitting president of the United States, and I’m going to trust them? Do I look like a fool?”
“Do you look like a fool …” Meyers laughed. “Well …” he said over a slideshow of pictures of Giuliani looking ridiculous – with hair dye dripping down his face, unzipping his pants in 2020’s Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, or appearing on The Masked Singer.
In light of Giuliani’s refusal to participate, the House committee has threatened to hold him in criminal contempt of Congress. “Hey committee, I don’t know how any of this works, but can you stop waiting until people don’t show up before you start considering what their punishment will be?” Meyers said. “Why can’t you just say, before they don’t show up, either be here at the appointed time or you’re going to jail.”