While other late-show hosts were out on summer vacation, Stephen Colbert appreciated the air conditioning inside New York’s Ed Sullivan Theater on Tuesday night, as the city endured a heatwave. But the New York heat paled in comparison with the record-high temperatures gripping the Pacific north-west: Portland hit 116F (46C) on Tuesday, “which I believe means Portland is medium rare”, the Late Show host said. “Safe to eat, though.”
The temperature in Portland was so extreme that it melted power cables, shutting down the city’s streetcars. “Passengers were then forced to walk, which I will remind you is only twice as fast as riding a streetcar,” Colbert joked.
The heat has caused roads throughout the Pacific north-west to buckle and crack “and of course the two sweatiest parts of the street are the buckle and the crack”, Colbert quipped.
“Luckily for those roads, help may be on the way,“ 他加了, because after weeks of negotiations, the Senate reached a deal on the bipartisan infrastructure bill “to shore up our nation’s crumbling Joe Manchin votes”.
In an op-ed for Yahoo! News, Biden promised the nearly $1tn bill would make public transportation quicker, safer and cleaner. “You heard that New York, Joe Biden is going to make the subway safer and cleaner,” Colbert said. “By 2035, he promises to reduce public masturbator emissions by 50%.”
Colbert also offered an update on Congress’s attempts to investigate the events of 6 一月, when a pro-Trump mob stormed the Capitol. “We may finally learn what we already all know happened,” he joked, as Nancy Pelosi introduced a bill that would form a select committee to investigate the attack. “It’s HR ‘Let’s get the bastard who stole my podium,’” Colbert joked.
The bill arrives one month after Senate Republicans blocked the formation of an independent, bipartisan commission to investigate the insurrection. “What a surprise – asking Republicans to investigate the Capitol riot is like the plot of my favorite book in middle school: Nancy Drew and the Case of Nancy Drew Murdered Somebody,” Colbert deadpanned.
The bill would give Pelosi the power to appoint eight members to the panel; five more would be selected after “consultation” with the House minority leader, Kevin McCarthy. “C’mon, we don’t need his input!” said Colbert. “This is just like trying to plan a family reunion to the Grand Canyon. We asked for your opinions months ago, Uncle Kevin, and you said bupkis. Now we’re all in the car and we’re not stopping at the Corn Palace.
“Insiders say McCarthy is likely to suggest loyal Maga-heads to gum up the works of the investigation,“ 他继续, “and the creme-de-la-crazy are already volunteering for the job,” such as Marjorie Taylor Greene, a notoriously fringe representative from Georgia. The disgraced Florida congressman Matt Gaetz, who is under federal investigation for sex trafficking, has also expressed interest in a panel seat. “As usual, he showed his interest by offering to give the commission a ride home from band practice,” Colbert joked.